Five Times Neil Didn't Tell Eva He Loved Her (and One Time He Did)
by ElvenQueen18
Summary: Rosawatts. He considers telling her he loves her right before she leaves for her own dorm, but wishes her a good night instead.


**Author's Note:** The first fic I've posted in close to three years, and it's a "five-plus-one" fic about one of my newest OTPs. Maybe 2019 is the year I get out of my writing funk? We'll have to wait and see.

 **Disclaimer:** The _To the Moon_ series is owned by Freebird Games—I'm just playing in their sandbox for a while. :)

* * *

 **I**

It's eight-thirty in the evening when she knocks on the door of his college dorm. He's surprised to see her—wasn't she supposed to go out with her (as much as he's come to hate the word) boyfriend tonight?—but the sight of her slumped shoulders and red-rimmed eyes (dear God, has she been crying?) is enough to convince him to let her in before she even asks.

Over cold pizza, soda, and a tub of ice cream, she explains (rants, really) that her now ex-boyfriend didn't just show up an hour late for their date at some fancy-schmancy restaurant, he showed up an hour late for their date at some fancy-schmancy restaurant with a girl he'd decided to leave her for. Aside from the occasional profanity-laden comment, Neil is silent as Eva goes on about her night.

"Can I kill the bastard for you?" he offers after she's done and has relatively calmed down.

She sighs. "Neil, I'm mad at him, too, but you can't kill David just because he's a thoughtless jerk."

"Aw, come on. It'd make me feel better."

"You realize you'd end up in prison for homicide, right?"

"Pfft, only if I got caught."

" _When_ you got caught, you mean. And I'd have to bail out your sorry hide before you annoyed the other inmates to death."

"You have no faith in me at all, do you?"

"None whatsoever." But she's smiling as she says it, and he thinks to himself how much he's missed her company since she started dating David. He's even missed bantering and arguing with her like this. Hell, he's just missed _her_ , missed her more than he thought possible. It's so clichéd that it took her dating someone else to make him realize he's fallen in love with her, but there's nothing he can do about it now.

He considers telling her he loves her right before she leaves for her own dorm, but wishes her a good night instead. One ranting session isn't going to completely erase her hurt over getting dumped, and it doesn't seem right to try to scoop her up while she's on the rebound. He'll have to save it for another time.

* * *

 **II**

"No." Her voice is sharp and brooks no room for argument.

"But _Eva_ —"

"I said _no_ , Neil." She crosses her arms and gives him a scowl.

But he won't be deterred, not with his career plans at stake. He'll grovel on her apartment's living room carpet if he has to. "I promise I won't prank you for a week."

She scoffs. "You wouldn't last a day."

"I promise not to steal food from your plate for a month."

"Since when do we eat together on a daily basis?"

"I promise you can pick the movie the next time we watch one."

"Nice try, but no." She irritably pinches the bridge of her nose. "For corncob's sake, Neil, you're asking me to help you cheat on the Sigmund Corp. entrance exams!"

"No, I'm not! I'm asking you to lend me your notes!"

"To use during the exams?"

"Yeah."

"Then it's cheating!"

"Jeeze, Eva, it's not like I'm asking you to show me your answers when we take the exams. What do you think I am, stupid?"

"Yes! Yes, I do!" She looks ready to rip her hair out. Or slap him in the face, whichever comes first. "And if you must risk getting yourself kicked out of Sigmund Corp. before you've even been accepted into their training program, why don't you use your own notes? You've had all summer to study."

"A guy's got videogames to play," is his brilliant response.

"Translation: you're lazy," she shoots back. "And my answer's still no."

"Oh, c'mon, Eva." He lowers his glasses, having one last card to play.

Her jaw drops, and he swears he can _feel_ the instant she realizes what he's about to do. "Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding."

" _Pleeeeeeease_?" he shamelessly begs, leaning forward to give her a full blast of puppy-dog eyes through his uncorrected vision.

They're locked in a staring contest for what seems like several minutes, her (blurred) features looking aggravated and his looking oh-so-innocent. At last, she looks down at the carpet, covering her face with her hand, and he returns his glasses to their original place.

"The things I do for you..." she mutters ( _For you,_ she said; his gut involuntarily tightens), then looks back up at him. "Fine; I'll give you my notes."

He lets out a whoop, and in this moment, he decides that now is the best time to say those three little words. He opens his mouth to say them, but she continues before he can even get "I" out.

"But you have to buy me dinner for the next two months at the places of my choosing. And for the love of cucumbers," she pins him with her iciest glare, " _don't get caught_."

And just like that, the moment is lost.

* * *

 **III**

Neil almost says it during the fifth Sigmund Corp. Christmas party he and Eva attend. Right after he realizes they're standing under a sprig of mistletoe. Right after he seriously thinks about kissing her, the presence of their fellow coworkers be damned.

On the list of things that are unforgivably cheesy, mistletoe's got to be somewhere at the top. But he can make an exception just this once. Or at least he can if he can get his mouth to stop being a coward and _just say it_.

But when Eva—who either doesn't know or doesn't care (which is worse?) about the mistletoe—asks if he'd like to get some drinks, the only three words he can say are, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

 _Coward._

He doesn't bother telling the mental voice to shut up.

* * *

 **IV**

It's about as close to a perfect moment as it's going to get, Neil thinks as he glances at Eva out of the corner of his eye. The mission is a success—Johnny believes he's off to the moon, and River hasn't been erased from his memories after all—and the light from the setting sun shines beautifully on the water. He'll start with some playful banter, steer the conversation somewhere more serious, and maybe only then will he be able to tell her what he's kept secret for the past nine years.

But whatever hopes he has of telling her he loves her are dashed when she slaps his hand away after he tries to touch her shoulder. He wishes he could say he's surprised, but he's not. Really, how arrogant does he have to be to assume that she loves him, too? How much trouble has he caused her, from their high school days to now? Hell, he should be grateful that she hasn't gone to the boss and demanded another partner. _You're overreaching, Watts._ Majorly _overreaching._

He doesn't say anything as Johnny and River's spaceship flies out of orbit, and neither does she.

* * *

 **V**

After searching through Colin's memories over and over—and initially suspecting Faye of having something to do with Eva's disappearance—it's the biggest relief this side of imagination to see her (the _real_ her, not Faye masquerading as her) again, unharmed and back inside the machine.

And if Faye hadn't been present and they didn't have bigger things to worry about—like getting that last memory link—he might have blurted out that he loves her, loves her more than anything, right there and then.

Instead, he asks her what she was doing, once again pushing his feelings into a corner of his mind, where they won't flare up at inopportune moments. It's for the best, and not just because they still have a job to do.

He's kept silent for a decade; he can keep silent for a while longer.

(He does his best to ignore the question: _But for how much longer?_ )

* * *

 **VI**

He never wanted her to know about his chronic pain. He may want more from her than he ought to, but the last thing he wants is her pity. Thankfully, she's not one to pry too much, and even though he's certain she didn't believe his bullshit story about needing painkillers because he walked into a concrete wall, she's never brought the subject up again.

But now she—and probably everyone else at Sigmund Corp.—knows, thanks to a particularly excruciating episode which has landed him in the hospital.

Eva is in his room when he regains consciousness, and he sees multiple emotions play across her face: concern, relief, anger. Before she can say anything—no doubt she plans to read him the riot act for keeping something like this from her—he makes a snarky comment about her being worried about him, and she denies it with a glare.

Almost as soon as it starts, though, their usual bickering stops. He knows as well as she does that she has been worried—he distinctly remembers her screaming for someone to call an ambulance before he passed out from the pain, and he wouldn't be surprised if she's hardly left his side. Making her worry seems to be all he does for her.

Well, that, and pissing her off, but that goes without saying.

A moment of silence passes before he next speaks, all sarcasm gone. "Hey...Eva?"

"What?"

And he doesn't know what makes him finally say it—maybe it's because he's doped up on medication, or because she might as well know something else he hasn't told her, or because he's every bit the idiot she always says he is—but the words come out of his mouth.

"I love you."

She starts, her eyes widening with an emotion he can't decipher, but she quickly recovers and shakes her head. "They must've given you stuff harder than your painkillers," she says, a brief chuckle escaping her.

Of course she thinks it's just the drugs talking. After all, he's been cagey about personal matters for as long as she's known him, so why would that change now? He doesn't know if he should be relieved that they have a ready-made excuse to not go down this rabbit trail or frustrated that she doesn't believe him.

It's not long before Eva leaves, promising they'll talk later and warning him that she's still going to chew him out for not telling her about his condition. And thus, even with what he's just confessed to her, the status quo of their relationship is unchanged, and maybe it always will be. Still, some small, stupid part of him can't help but wonder, if she truly thinks he's little more than a pain in the ass, why she didn't ditch him a long time ago.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Most fans seem to think that Neil's either dying or addicted to painkillers. I personally believe that he's got some kind of non-fatal chronic pain condition that can't be cured, only controlled, though even this theory doesn't rule out the possibility of him being a drug addict.


End file.
